Funniest Spams

Every now and then I get spam that’s pretty funny. Sometimes you can figure out what they’re trying to say and sometimes you can’t, but it’s always entertaining enough that I keep it around for a little longer. Now I’ll post about it. Because it’s funny, you see.

Subject: Fucking St.Valentine

What are you to do if you have bad erection? Especially in the forthcoming Saint Valentines Day??? Don t worry, it is not the last of pea-time… The most simple way is to visit our site, order the medication and that is all you are to do!

Do not kill the clock!

Not the last of pea-time? I could almost begin to understand pee-time, just because it’s the same part of the body, even if it’s an unrelated function. But pea-time? Maybe once you kill the clock, you get to fight the final boss for the level, which is a giant pea that shoots bad erections at you. Once you dodge the erections and kill the pea, you win the game and save the princess.

I think that’s probably what they’re talking about. It’s really some kind of viral marketing for a new game, cleverly diguised as spam. Happy pea-time to you as well, your marketing campaign is extraordinarily effective. I must buy that game right quick!

Subject: SAD TO HAVE SHORT D1CCK, BIGGER 2″ NOW AT LOW prison

The contents of that message were just random words in an attempt to get around the spam filters. It didn’t work. I’m not sure that randomly mentioning prison is the right way to get guys interested in larger penises. If you need to stick a lower-case word in your subject line that doesn’t make any sense, maybe try something that doesn’t bring violent anal rape connotations with it.

Subject: With Spermamax you will need the whole towel instead of napkin to wipe off the results of your orgasm.

Spermamax impr0ves your sperm m0rph0logy.

Eww. The whole towel? Is that supposed to be something to strive for? I don’t want to drown the poor girl.

And I don’t know what they thought morphology means, but I don’t think it means what they think it means, even with their l33t h4ck3r sp3ll1ng.

Subject: If you cum with Spermamax on July 4th, people will take it for the firework.

Because with Spermamax it’ll be disturbingly multi-colored and loud. The loud popping sounds will be your testicles exploding, and the bright colors will be due to toxins in your body. Buy some now!

Subject: If you take Spermamax, women will spin around you like the planets spin around the Sun.

That’s because it interferes with your metabolism in heart attack-inducing ways, and you’ll put on so much weight that you’ll have an amazing gravitational pull. The women will be spinning around you, but they’ll wish they could stop.

Subject: Would you like to be a father of the whole kindergarden? Try Spermamax and your sperm will be amazingly productive.

Much like a pound-me-in-the-ass prison isn’t really the best thing to get in people’s minds when you’re trying to sell them sex-related drugs, the same goes for kindergarden. Bringing up a classroom full of little kids is only going to get child molesters to buy Spermamax. I guess if it makes your balls explode, that’s actually probably a good thing. Ok, carry on.

Subject: Spermamax will make your sperm restless.

Yeah, that sounds like a good thing. Let’s get them restless and stirred up and eager to cause trouble. Next thing you know, they’re rioting and setting your testicles on fire. Tear gas and smoke are seeping up from your pants. The chicks love that kind of stuff.

Subject: With Ultra Allure Pheromones no woman can be indifferent to you.

Ultra Allure Pheromones will kill her from patience before she ask$ your name.

Tired of women being indifferent to you? No more! When you’re slathered in Ultra Allure Pheremones, women will be violently ill from the stench and won’t be able to run away from you soon enough! You’ll long for the days of indifferent women.

Actually, you’ll get your necrophilia fantasies going. Which brings us to the rest of the e-mail. They’ll “kill her from patience before she asks your name.” I have no idea what that means. The pheremones will kill a woman from patience. Before she asks your name. Does that mean that any woman who waits too long to ask your name will be killed by the toxic pheremone molecules? Does it mean that the pheremones are some kind of sedative that will put everyone into a semi-catatonic state that looks like patience to the casual observer, until they all die because they’re too patient to eat or drink enough to sustain life?

Spam can get confusing some times.

Subject: Once women smell your Ultra Allure Pheromones they will jump out of the plane to you.

Just spray Ultra @llure Pherom0nes and the world is yours.

These pheremone spammers seem to have an obsession with dead girls. Now they want women to jump out of planes? Are they jumping out in a suicide attempt because they’d rather be dead than have to smell the pheremone spray any more? Or is it more that it melts their brains, so that they don’t know what they’re doing, and accidentally kill themselves by walking out of the plane before it lands?

Again, I have no idea what the spammers are trying to say here, but at least it entertains me.

Anyone have anything better, spam-wise?